Atelier Totori (PS3): Alchemically Average

People keep telling me to play Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. But since nothing on the 360 lately has appealed to me, I instead spent 4 days on the opposite end of the RPG spectrum in....

ATELIER TOTORI: (PS3)
(A First Impressions Review)

I happened to notice this game on the shelf in our used section at the store I work at. I had never heard about it before but it from the price tag it appeared to be reasonably new. I picked it up off the shelf with a degree of hesitation because I tend to panic when I see the word Atelier. The reason behind this is a number of years ago, NIS America produced a game called Atelier Iris. There was nothing really revolutionary about it. It seemed like a JRPG that could have easily fit on the SNES if they cut all the voice acting. It wasn't a bad game, just uninteresting and not memorable. But then they released like 4 more of these games, not making any major improvements to the series. But when I noticed this game, and recalled the previous one I saw that NIS made the jump to 3D character models instead of the sprites they are known for. So I figured with these changes, why not see if they've improved the game at all.

The game starts off with our protagonist, a young alchemist by the name of  Totori, messing up a mixture and blowing up her room. After a brief argument with her sister Cesi, she takes off running to avoid the fight and look for more alchemy supplies. As she walks into town she give a small monologue introducing herself and how she became an alchemist. As she walks you run into a childhood friend of hers who joins up with her to search. He has aspirations to become a professional adventurer, something Totori also wishes so she can be able to seek out her mother. Her mother was a world famous adventurer who went missing and is presumed to be dead. Despite this Totori begins her quest and training to be become a premier adventurer/alchemist to pick up the trail and find her answers. 

A large portion of the game will be spent in your Atelier. So get familiar with it.

This is about all of the story I know from this point, and I am surprised I know even this much. Something common of NIS America games (and I stress AMERICA, not just NIS) is that they like to hammer you with still animation cutscenes. This is the exact type of story delivery that you get in the Disgaea franchise or other such titles, but they are like night and day in their execution. While Disgaea's dialogue is clever, punchy, and entertaining, Atelier Totori's dialogue is droning, excessive, and 90% of the time completely unimportant. By the time I got from Totori's house to the first enemy to fight, I was so horrendously bogged down by story that I was ready to stop playing the game. With the voice acting on some characters, and I would say the carriage driver specifically, it makes the game borderline unplayable. They did do a satisfactory job casting the main roles and Nippon Ichi usually does well in voicing in general. Being a fan of the Star Ocean series I have heard some really bad voice acting, so Atelier Totori gets a minor pass here. 

William Shakespeare used less fluff text than this game.

Its hard to describe the exact point of the game, since I have been playing for a good 15 or so hours and I still have no idea what the point is, what the stakes are, or why I should even care. The general play of it is you go to a tavern or adventure's guild to receive quests. They could be to explore a new area, create certain items via alchemy, or hunt a certain number of monsters. God this already sounds boring. Luckily you have the ability to travel in towns with a quick jump menu instead of actually walking and its a pretty big time saver, but walking on the world map does not. The map is linear, and each move does eat up time on the calender, so you need to make sure you have adequate time for travel there and back for mission completion. Each point on the map gives you a smallish area to investigate and they are small. All of the points on the map are typically one screen at best and not at all complex for investigation, although there are a handful of maps that a fairly large in size. None of them will be daunting. In these places you can hunt monsters or scavenge for supplies. When you kill or find something, each point on the map will show you what you found in each area so if you take on another hunt or fall short of a specified material you can back track to it. Which is helpful when trying to complete your alchemy lists. Typically you may want to visit each map again the moment you leave it, this way you can get a nice little cache of supplies for each spot you visit.

Battle is fairly traditional JRPG fanfare. You get Totori and two other characters per team and fighting is done in the traditional menu based fashion. They move pretty quickly and the menus are small and easy to navigate. Only alchemists can use items so unless you dive head first into making things, Totori' abilites as an attack or a healer is virtually useless. One of the more interesting features is that the support characters have a gauge that when charged up by attacking or being attacked a support character can jump in an take a hit for Totori, or assist her in an attack. If you charge it long enough they might also have a super move they can use, but I have rarely had a battle last long enough to really see the fruits of these attacks, because battles never seem to last that long.

As far as I have played, the game is essentially fetch quests sprinkled in by what little story there is. You meet other adventurers who can join your party including the previous games protagonist Rarona, each with their own motivations and stories. While some of them are somewhat interesting, it seems like a constant derailment of the main story and a bit of a headache to find all of them. And as stated above, the rambling that some of these go on are a bit excessive. A primary example of this is another NIS America offshoot in Cross Edge or Mana Khemia, every little break in the action you are treated to stills of the characters with different facial reactions as they babble incessantly back and forth at each other. I could perhaps justify it if the intention was the build character for the players in the story, but so little of it is of any interest I often find myself skipping this garbage.

This game also has a problem with random difficulty spikes as well. You can level your characters but I've never really found them to have any useful stat increases as the gear you wear seems to be more helpful than any grinding you do. There are a number of maps where you will find a boss monster, if you can call them that. Sometimes they are obviously a boss as its the only monster in an area or usually much bigger than the standard baddie. But if I am destroying everything in the surrounding area, naturally you'd think I'm ready for the boss, right? Not really. There have been a number of times that I've marched up to a boss and get wiped out in a turn or two. This isn't a huge issue since the only penalty is you lose about 20 days of time.

I think my anger came to a head as I was mixing materials and a deadline came up. The game immediately shot me to a cutscene where Totori is reprimanded by another character and I get a text screen telling me she was too lazy to find her mother, and the game gave me a bad ending. I actually had to put the controller down and walk away I was so pissed off. It offered to let me restart the game with my equipment so I did out of sheer spite of the game. I skipped every cutscene I've seen and shredded through back to where I was in a single day, with plenty of deadline to spare. I now have found that there is much more game to play after that point but I ran out of time and had to bring it back.

Over the course of the few days I had with this game, I've come to realize I really have no idea why this franchise has so many installments. I have no idea why they keep making more of them, or even why the franchise exists. I'm alright with a game that doesn't bring something new to the table as long as they execute what they did bring properly. And if I returned this game after I got my bad ending, I would not have given it a second thought at all. But when I went through a 2nd time I did find myself enjoying it more since I understood the aspects better. It has to have something about it if it made me play through all the progress I had already done in 3 days just to find out what I did wrong. Is the game great? No. Is it good? Ehhh, It will find a niche audience somewhere. Definitely not worth the 45 used price tag I found it for. I am curious to see how it ends, but I'll probably never know unless the price of this game drops to 20 bucks. Tops. As far as JRPGs go, you can do a lot better than Atelier Totori.

Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3 (XB360/PS3): Hi, We're Capcom. We Love your Money.

Aside from perhaps Killer Instinct, a fighting game I have always been pretty proud about being good in was Marvel vs Capcom 2. I played the game constantly in the arcade (remember what those were?) and I've whipped many a chump out of their hard earned quarters with the surprisingly simple Ryu, Akuma, Morrigan combo. So I was pretty excited for Marvel vs Capcom 3: Fate of two Worlds and purchased it in kind. But if there is anything Capcom loves to do, its to rehash the shit out of a game they're released instead of just making a new one. And MVC3 was no exception. I said I wasn't going to buy this, but a combo of peer pressure and trade value drove me to update to....

ULTIMATE MARVEL VS CAPCOM 3: (XB360/PS3)

Essentially, this review can double up for both Marvel vs. Capcom 3 games as functionally they are identical between to the two, sans the addition of the 12 extra characters. I usually start off my reviews with a brief summary of the plot or story, but as is with most fighting games, there really isn't one. Essentially to get any kind of story in this game you have to complete the arcade mode, and the character you land last blow to the final boss with the ending vignette you receive. If you played the first MVC3, none of the ending have changed for the current remaining characters. But its still fun to see some of the crossovers. One of my favorites was She-Hulk's, A character I don't really use, but in her ending she presides over a trial with Miles Edgeworth and Phoenix Wright (now playable). It made me laugh.

It was hilarious at the time, little did I know Phoenix would become playable

One of the biggest complaints surrounding this game is that the controls were "Dumbed Down". If I am remembering right, MVC2 didn't use the Street Fighter control scheme either. The Street Fighter franchise typically used three punch and three kick buttons with a light medium and heavy power. In MVC2 the reduced it 4 buttons and two assist buttons. MVC3 has done away with the punch and kick buttons to make way for a light, Medium, Heavy, and launch button in addition to the assists. This takes out the need to hit strong punch or kick for certain moves. For most of the characters, this doesn't change how their specific move sets play. If anything, its made using people like Akuma more fluid for me. Sure it takes away some of the complexity of the game but it still has some of the other control aspects like the advancing guard, air combos, and tag attacks. many people see this as a detriment, I personally had no issue with it.

There really isn't much variance in the play modes of the game. You have your standard arcade mode, where you just play 8 or 9 fights to the last boss. You have a training mode to play around in and a mission mode to try to learn specific combos. When you beat the game you unlock the ending and soundtrack to the character you won with. But unlike the original MVC3, there are no characters to unlock. I personally have never been a fan of this because it gives the player very little incentive to play by them self they do not have anything to earn by doing it. Then we have the online mode, its basically the same as the Verses mode you can play with a friend at home, but with more lag, people interrupting your arcade mode,  and people quitting if you are too good.

The last thing I guess I should address is the characters as well. On the Marvel side they added: Nova, Rocket Raccoon, Iron Fist, Hawkeye, Dr. Strange, and Ghost Rider. I have heard of 2 or 3 of these guys tops. None of them really made me go ape shit to play as any of them and I've yet to use them for any major length of time. On the Capcom side they added: Strider, Firebrand, Phoenix Wright, Frank West, The Nemesis, and Virgil. Now this line up was pretty stoke about since only one of them I'm pretty unfamiliar with and i never used  anyways (Strider).  While I love the addition of these characters, some of them just don't make sense to use. Phoenix Wright is nothing short of hilarious because none of his attacks are actually attacks. He has a very short range and requires you finding 3 pieces of evidence and hitting them with an objection before you really unlock some of his bigger moves. Frank West, the character I wanted most, as lots of different moves that change as he levels during the match, but you have to hit the camera snap at the right moments to go up a level and for me its been pretty difficult to hit. People like Firebrand, Nemesis and Virgil mesh with this game perfectly though, and combo together very well.

Virgil may be a bad ass, but I call bullshit: Nobody messes the Nemesis up.

Its difficult to rate a game like this because I begin to question their relevance. With online gaming taking a front seat these days in the development of gaming, the one on one fighters seem like a natural fit. But when I play the game online, it doesn't feel as satisfying. I don't get any real enjoyment out of seeing a number next to me name informing me that there's about 1.8 million other assholes who are better than me at the game. It pretty much feels like I am playing the game in the single player mode. Less so in fact because at least in single player mode I can unlock an ending when I win 8 times, I don't get lag from the arcade mode, or have people drop out of the game just as I am about to win. But just as I go to say that you probably could skip out on getting a game like this, I go to a fight night with some friends where we are all playing in the same room. Now the games are tense, heart rate jumps up. I can hear cheering or AWWWS when close match finishes. WAY more fun that playing the game solo. This is why they make games like these, the are intended to be played in a group that's what makes them fun.

But in this same fight night, I realized something. There are two types of people who play games like this. People like me, who find some characters they like learn some core moves and develop a strategy. Plays the game, has fun with it, and generally enjoys it. Then there is the "Other guy". You know that guy. Has one character he never deviates from. Learns their entire move set. Learns everyone Else's move set. Knows you are going to throw that Hadouken and is going roll forward MP at the 5th frame of the animation which will counter your move, bounce you up and then allow him to string together an air juggle that will deplete an entire life bar. We did a tournament at the fight night and a lot of the games were very close. But this one guy would just participate on another level. I refuse to use the word play. Because that kind of person doesn't play the game, they study it, make it a chore. The execute the game. Personally, I think if you are playing the game that way then you are missing the whole point. Unless you are professional or competitive gamer, you're just a prick to everyone else you are playing with.

I suppose I could give the game a recommendation if you are a fan of fighting games, fan of the series, or just have a number of people over to game on a fairly frequent basis. The fights are fast, flashy, and easy to pick up and play. It's a fairly competent fighting game and it definitely works in a groups setting but unless you are one of "those guys" I can't imagine you will keep playing it after a few weeks. I just rather that Capcom would have waited another few months and put all the characters in the first time instead of charging me an extra 40 bucks for it.

Pricks.

Ico Collection- Shadow of the Colossus (PS3/PS2): A Colossal Return

Considering what a huge advocate of the PS2 I was, it was a wonder I never played Ico. Even more so, considering the size of my PS2 library its a bigger wonder I have never played Shadow of the Colossus. So as a two parter retro review I will be playing the HD remakes of these two titles in the recently released Ico Collection. For the record, playing this disc is what fried my PS3 just before Dark Souls came out. The game I started with first was...

ICO COLLECTION- SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS: (PS3/PS2)

Our game starts off with a scene of a lone man named Wander riding on a horse through various terrains to travel to an alter in an secluded underground shrine in a forbidden land. Upon arrival he undrapes something he brought with him, which is reviled to be the body of a dead girl by the name of Mono. He carefully places the body upon the alter, Wander is attacked by a group of shadowy forms, which he easily dispatches with a shining sword. After making quick work of them, a loud celestial voice(s) booms from the ceiling expressing surprise that he has the weapon. Wander learns that he is speaking to Dormin and tells that he's heard he has to power to resurrect those who have died. He pleads with this entity to restore Mono to life, to which Dormin responds that he can do this for Wander but to be wary of what he asks. The cost of such a favor could be very high, more than he might be willing to pay. But as so many tragic heroes before him he claims to not care and says that no price is too high. He is told to travel the countryside and destroy 16 different colossi that he can find by holding his legendary weapon in the light and in return for doing this he will revive the girl. So with his trusty steed at his side, Wander heads off to defeat the Colossi.

Sometimes, you just gotta make em say I Do.

Right out of the gate, let's get this out of the way. It says Ico HD Collection. Not Remake. So much like the God of War Collection, these are just a pair of PS2 games with a bit of the high definition glean on them. Some of the animations and designs show their age, but ultimately the characters are well designed and the environments have a gorgeous serene appeal to them. Although the horse you ride in the game is the biggest eff'n horse in the history of existence and Wander has more of a frolic rather than run, the graphics and overall design looks great and was not something I noticed after I actually started playing.

Defining the style of game Shadow of the Colossus is somewhat tricky, because it blends together some elements to make up its final product. I would hesitate to call it an action game because I relegate that to more of the spectacle fighters or beat em ups and the action in this one doesn't fit in that traditional concept. I think more accurately it is an adventure game with a strong focus on puzzle platforming. Each stage is essentially broken up into two aspects. At the start of each stage, Dormin informs you of what colossus you are out to kill and roughly where they are found. You take off on your doofus horse and travel the countryside to find the colossus. This isn't exactly a puzzle, but sometimes the locations of the beasts are not immediately apparent. You can hold up your sword in the light to shine beams of light, and the closer to the correct direction you are, the more focused the beams become. There is pretty much zero fighting in these sequences, and no music either. Just the sound of the wind blowing around, some chirps of the birds overhead, and the hoof beats of your steed beneath you. It actually has a pretty calming effect, so instead of raising tension before the monster, its leveling you out so you can approach with a clear head.

During the course of the adventure you will visit nearly every kind of terrain type,
 each providing a different aspect to the battle

Which is good, because each battle with a colossus is a puzzle in and of itself. Each of them pretty different from the rest of them each with their own individual nuances and weaknesses. You can shine your sword on them to discover where their weak points are, and although you have a bow, you almost always have to climb upon the beast and attack with the sword. They start off simple enough, with the beasts having a fairly noticeable point to grab and climb by their feet, but as you progress some of the monsters are constantly in flight, or barely come above water or sand, forcing you to figure out how to antagonize them enough to come after you and expose a weakness. Once you start climbing the grip gauge mechanic starts moving, showing you exactly how much strength you have to hang on. It diminishes gradually as you scale their hide but as your advance upward the colossus will begin to flail around to try to fling you off. If you try to move while they are doing so the grip gauge depletes even faster. If your grip runs out or you let your finger slip off the grip button, you'll be sent flying off their back straight to the ground and will be forced to try again. The whole concept really does a fantastic job of increasing your tension as your eye constantly is checking that lower corner of the screen, making sure you have just enough grip to land that last stab, praying you have just enough to hang on to the end. I would try to hold off until they would stop flailing to try to let go of the grip and ride their shoulders to recharge the grip for as long as possible, sometimes it worked, sometimes I would groan having to scale back up again (colossus #15 was a particular pain in my ass for this because it was difficult to get to the top of his head, and the prick wouldn't stop flailing long enough for me to plunge my sword in. The fight took almost 3 fucking hours). As you scale around you will have highlighted crests to signify their weaknesses and instead of just hitting the button to stab, it starts to charge its power, so you can gamble holding on a bit longer to do that much more damage.

Sad thing is, this isn't even one of the bigger ones.

Jump on the item they are swinging around the most.... Makes total sense.

What makes this string of battles so incredible is nature of the colossus you are fighting. Colossus #5 (The Avian) is a very large bird colossus, circling over a lake. As you swim you will find three broken stone pillars in at the surface of the lake that you can climb on. Standing on them will cause the bird to swoop at you, if you time it right, you can leap onto its back and grab on. Then some impressive camera work pans around to show the bird taking flight higher, and begins to spin and twist to try to shake you off as you scale to its wings and tail. watching the world flip and turn beneath you coupled with epic classical score behind it all builds to this incredible movie effect. Each fight is very original to itself and is memorable in its own way. This is fantastic because I've felt video games have been going away from boss fights to just make you fight waves of regular baddies, or just fight a enemy that just requires them charging into a wall and then punching them. It made me happy because I don't have to deal with the game aspect and just get boss fights.

The controls are functional, I suppose. Everything in the control in this game seems a bit loose. When I am scaling and trying to jump from ledge to ledge it sometimes takes 2 or 3 tries to get the asshole to jump the direction I want him to. The grip gauge never seems to last long enough for me, you can increase it by killing white tailed lizards as you travel the map in this game is enormous, and finding them is very needle in haystack like. Ultimately, the most of my biggest complaints come from having to ride that fucking horse. I don't remember his name, but for the sake of this review he should be called Boxer, because his stupid ass should be sent to the glue factory, (yes, an Animal Farm reference, Eff you). This stupid animal you have to call for like 3 or 4 times before he actually turns around. Every time I would try to mount him I would jump like 5 or 6 times in place trying to trigger the climb up animation. When riding him even mashing my X button he would never seem to pick the pace more than a casual trot. Yanking on the reigns one direction or another would eventually make him turn like 10 gallops after I missed my turn. Multiple times he'd glitch to stop from going over a cliff but then refuse to back up or let me jump off. And the worst of all in a particularly precise battle, he would hit a rock small enough to step over and would come to a complete stop. Since I'm using my bow facing the other direction, I would have to wait the like 4 minutes it would take the turn the dumbass around so I can try again. Or more or more accurately I would be mowed down by the colossus and lose a big chunk of health. That stupid animal was more frustrating than the fights.

That aside, I think the aspect that really made this game feel great was the way it told a story without dialogue or cut-scenes to characterize everything. The whole thing has this very independent movie feel to it. You start the game with the normal "save the princess" mentality but as you fight you start to feel that these Colossus aren't exactly evil or even bad.. Most of them are just minding their own business, doing nothing. Not even harming the area around them. Then as you fight them it doesn't feel like they are attacking you as much as they are defending themselves. Even their death sequences have that effect. When you strike the deathblow everything slows down to slow motion as you watch the Colossus collapse in a heap as a very sad sounding melody plays instead of some victory music. As each one dies a black poison escapes their body and possesses itself within Wander. As you play on, He becomes more and more scarred, worn, and almost undead looking. With each fight I felt more sympathetic to the Colossi, and that Wander's goal had become selfish rather than noble. The only real dialog heavy cutscene comes at the end of the game where all the truths are revealed. It was incredible well done.

It took me a while to get back to this game after it fried my PS3, but I am glad that I did. It definitely lived up to the hype and I'm looking forward to getting into the time trial modes when I get a chance. But first? Ico.

Uncharted 3 (PS3): The More You Know ====★

In the early days of the PS3's life, owners of the system didn't have much to grab at for original content, or more accurately content in general. So when a game like Uncharted: Drakes Fortune was announced, I gave a sigh of apathy. I didn't like the Tomb Raider series and this new franchise seemed to be a copy paste of it with less boobs. But with nothing better on the horizon, I lethargically reserved the game just so I'd have something on the console. What I received was a fast paced 3rd person shooter with excellent characters, superb voice acting, and some of the best storytelling I've ever seen in a game. On top of all that, the game was blast to play. This caused me to jump on getting Uncharted 2: Among Thieves without even a second thought. Not only did I receive what I got from the first, they did an even better job with it. So one year later, here we are again with another of Nathan Drake's adventures in......

UNCHARTED 3: DRAKE'S DECEPTION: (PS3)

The game starts off with our now iconic protagonist, Nathan Drake, walking with old sidekick Sully to what appears to be a seedy bar to make an exchange. A well dressed British man named Talbot opens a case to unveil a buttload of money and in exchange he is handed the ring that hangs from Drake's neck. As the British man authenticates the ring Drake inspects the money. We find that the ring is legit but the money is not. They try to take the ring back and bar room brawl breaks out where you then take control of the game. You find out that the ring belonged to Francis Drake, and it works as a key to a decoder which will unveil the secrets connecting Francis Drake to Lawrence of Arabia, and why his voyage took a six month detour. The goal is made that you are trying to find the "Atlantis of the Sands" and a valuables it holds.

Marlowe rubbing salt in the wounds sustained from the bar fight.

Essentially the play in the Uncharted series is virtually unchanged from previous two games. The hand to hand combat feels even more dumbed down in this one. In the first game you had a few options: Square five times for a quick combo, Square Triangle Square for a brutal combo, Punch gun combo. It was simple, fast, efficient. In the 2nd game they took away the ability for brutal combo but the 2nd game it still played pretty fluidly. In this current version, it feels more like aimless button mashing. It still works but in the very first combat sequence I was already feeling a bit bored with it. The grab move never seems to push the way I want it to go. They changed the Triangle to a counter and it seems to work fairly well, but that might be because the attack telegraph is retarded long even on the games hardest difficulty. They also have a run and melee thing were if you are blind firing on a guy (shooting without aiming) and hit the melee when you close in, it switches to a short cinematic kill. I found this to be the most effective as I played.

The gun combat feels the same yet different. Functionally, the buttons and engine are the same as before. If you played either of the other two games nothing about the game will seem foreign to you.  Shoulder up with the L1 button, Fire with R1, Reload R2.  Its the same run and gun, cover based 3rd person shooter that has worked in so many over these games before. Yet as I played through the game something just didn't feel right.  As I would play through the game it dawned on me that I would have to hit them with an pretty large amount of bullets before the enemy would drop. On more than one occasion I would land what I could clearly see was a well placed head shot and yet the enemy would still not fall. Sometimes it would take 2 or 3 shots to the head before some enemies dropped. The other big thing that bothered me is that the movement controls did not feel very tight this time around. Several times I would try to run my way for cover only have to Drake bobble step right into a wall or miss my turn completely because he was doing some over the top stagger animation. I would try to move from ledge to ledge while hanging but I'd really need to shove on the controller to get him to put his stupid hand up so he would make the right jump instead of just jumping in place. Some other glitchy things kinda bothered me too. There would be an occasional instance where I would be playing the game and then the music would just cut at random, then seconds later would continue on. There were jarring and was surprised to have that happen. Naughty Dog usually polished the hell out of the game.

I was wondering if I was just seeing the older titles through rose tinted glasses, so to make sure, I put in both of the previous titles. The graphics were not as detailed as the 3rd, but the games animation moved faster, the controls were much tighter, and when I hit a clear headshot the enemies dropped. It almost feels like the game sacrificed some of its playability to look nicer...

Speaking of, the graphics in this case definitely appeared to be much more cleaned up and defined. Especially in some of the cutscenes. I played this game pretty much start to finish on a bitchin' 62' LED TV with a digital smoothing setting. The game was borderline lifelike and was definitely very impressive, with most of the characters getting a very detailed graphical overhaul, with the exception of Chloe (Naughty dog's Eff you to the Lara Croft character) who's new bigger hair makes her look a bit cartoony.  Aside from that little issue the graphics in this game have never looked better. Elena's eyeliner was a great touch guys.

Elena tries to provide reason but usually ends up right in the fray.

Naughty Dog actually assumes you have a brain this time around too. In this one when you have a puzzle to solve it doesn't just give you the answer outright like it has in previous games. Or at least not immediately anyways.

There is Multiplayer as well but really I didn't find it all that interesting to cover. You get two teams of 5 and you play the standard multiplayer fanfare. Death match, team death match, capture the flag (plunder). You get base equipment but as you level up you get money to unlock new weapons and attires for your character. I played it for a little but online multiplayer never seems to do much for me. There is not level matchmaking so you get thrown in with noobs and vets alike. Usually it will randomize the teams per game to keep things fair but sometimes a clan will get together and just mows through new players. It was a bit of turn off for me. I suck at the multiplayer games. The one plus is the people I played with were pretty cool. One game some loud child was in the game, so of course I quit immediately.

Don't be mad, I brought Subway! (There are no in game advertisements. Thank god)

Why don't the online services provide something for this. You have to put a date of birth in the online account to activate it. Why the fuck cant they make a filter so I can choose to not play anyone under the age 15. Nothing ruins a game experience for me like racist little shitdicks screaming obscenities into their stupid headsets because they can do it anonymously. Parents? I got a news flash for you, if you don't want your children to be subjected to offensive games, don't let them play games online. The worst thing that can be found in a video game is the horrible shit that comes out of a kids mouth. Children are the fucking worst and will always be worse than their teen or adult counterpart.

Playing someone under the age of 12. Yeah, Feels like that.

Ok, got that out of my system, back on topic. The storytelling is still this franchises strong point. I loved how they went with the villain this time around, instead of the usual gun toting psychopath we have Marlow. Marlow is an older woman who is cold, calculating, and definitely a cerebral opponent.  She has a very ominous way of bantering with the heroes. She has that villainous politeness about her that makes every thing she says sound like you are eff'd. It was a refreshing change from the normal types like Eddy, Novario, or Lazarevic.

But even the new characters and great story telling something still bothered me. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar: Drake treks through a jungle and find a series of ruins. Elena gets mad a Drake because they disagree if they should continue or not. Drake and Sully find a treasure or clue they are looking for only to have it taken away by the villain immediately after. They learn what they are after is evil or an evil power that Francis Drake tried to hide. Drake escapes from a ruin or temple from burning or sinking into the ground. In addition to that this game really tries to go over to the top in every level. With the exception of the snow level, the game takes place in pretty much every setting they can squeeze into the game. You go from a bar, sewers, to a jungle, run down manor, ruins, a marketplace, ship graveyard, and so on. Each level with its own incredible Hollywood blockbuster action sequence. I understand that its an action game, but when you cram things in as much as this does, it causes a little bit of an overload and I feel the impressiveness of a scene is diminished because of the not stop onslaught of scenes of this nature.

Drake never learns his lesson to stay off Planes.

Now, don't let this stream of complaints make you think this game wasn't great. I literally played the game from start to finish in a single sitting. None of the complaints were something that affected my ability to enjoy the game. The game has a familiarity at this point and the story is very compelling. Nathan Drake and the rest of the cast of characters are really what make the game so successful and with each passing title the characters have more life and nuance to them. They do a wonderful job of spacing the game out in the timeline so you have to take bits and pieces of dialogue to try to figure out what happened between the two games. The game has a pretty good pace to it and it goes just as long as it has to for a game of this type. My initial play through was about 9 hours. The only thing I fear is actually something said in one of the bonus features: "Where Do we go from here?" How many treasures can Francis Drake have hidden? How many more daring escapes can Nathan possibly get out of? Look, the bottom line here is that Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception is another incredible addition to this franchise, and if you own a PS3 you would be doing yourself an injustice if you didn't play it. My fear is that this game is not preparing itself for longevity, and is starting to show signs of repeating itself. They are still fun for now, but they are going to really need to reach to come up with something new for a 4th installment.

Dark Souls (PS3/XB360): In Soviet Lordran, Game HATES you.

I'm going to start this review by referring you to another review. Take five minutes to watch this review of Demon's Souls from "Zero Punctuation." Go ahead. Watch. I'll wait.

For those of you who haven't played Demon's Souls, let me explain to you why this was hilarious.  How Yahtzee describes his first play is by no means at all and exaggeration when he completely shredded the game. How he recited every single action of the game is quite literally how every single person who has picked up that game played it. The game was relentless, brutal, and unforgiving. Admittedly even through my first play through, I was so aggravated and frustrated i took it back immediately. But I kept reading all the high scores it would get and how beating certain parts were some of the most satisfying in gaming. So i took another crack at it, had a better idea of what type of character i wanted and even though there was still a huge struggle, I managed to push through the game, now have a powerful mage/melee build and can pretty much walk the game at will. Its become one of my favorite games on the PS3.

DARK SOULS: (PS3)

While they claimed there would be no sequel to Demon's Souls, Dark Souls is essentially a spiritual successor to the game. So as you can no doubt imagine, I was very excited to hear this game was coming out, and very disappointed that my PS3 was in the shop when it did, But I did play a little on the 360 before really hammering into it on my proper system. Story wise, its about as descriptive as the previous game...

At the creation of the world, there was nothing but darkness and fog, and this world was ruled by dragons. Then came the Fire of Lords which brought the human race.  A group of 4 entities used the Fire of Lords to harness their powers and rose up to usurp the dragons, leaving them completely laid to waste. As time past, a plague called the Darksign began to hex the human race, cursing them to live on as undead and slowly lose their sanity and become hollow. Here we find our created hero (Lady Velfir the Red, in my case), trapped in a cell in the undead asylum, a place where the undead is corralled to wait out the end of days. You gather that they still have their humanity and sanity, and an unnamed knight frees your character and you then begin a brief tutorial level to learn the mechanics of the game. As the knight dies he tells you that there is a legend amongst the undead who are not hollow and you need to leave. After getting past the beginner boss, a massive bird yanks you away from the asylum and takes you to where the actual game takes place, the Citadel of Lords. You meet a bit of a prick at the Firelink Shrine and he informs you that there are two bells to ring  in the legend and where to find them. And thus dost the true Dark Souls begin..... 

God that was hokey. When you start up a new game you will have to create a character, just as you did in the previous version. it seems with all new options and sliders that the game provides you with, your character will still end up looking  like a half evolved troglodyte regardless of how you set it, and by the time you get equipment you aren't going to be able to see their face. In my last game I started off as a mage class (royalty actually) who had some melee potential because of the weapons I aimed to get using my magic stat. Since I have had so much success with this class and I figured i could replicate it, i started with the Sorcerer class (the weakest starting class in the game, technically). What is cool about this game is that the starting class is not a definition of the character, once you start playing the game and leveling you are able to allocate your stat points where you want, giving you the freedom to equip a character and learn abilities as you decide to do. So you may start as a soldier class but if you add enough to your faith you can learn the cleric abilities and etc. 

You'll note I didn't go into too much detail when I was describing the tutorial level. The Main reason for this is because if you had played the previous game at all, nothing of the controls have changed for the most part minus a few minor tweeks. The game uses the shoulder buttons for your respective weapon uses and blocks and parries depending on what class and gear you chose. The D-pad is used to navigate your menus, you have the same dodge/roll/dash button, square still uses items. To new players to the series, these controls may seem awkward to start but once you get the knack of them, the become second nature. Oh yeah, and going to your start menu doesn't pause the game still.  So if you need to manage your inventory or rush to a specific item, make sure you have a safe place to do it or you will find the business end of a hollow's sword quickly, trust me.

Many of the same game mechanics are in place. Souls are the end all be all currency in the game. You get them mainly from killing enemies or finding soul items to use. Souls are used to level your character, upgrade your items, buy spells, or any other transactions in place. When you die, you go back to zero and you have have to return to the spot where you died to reclaim what you lost. If you die again, they're gone for good and you need to get them back the hard way. The online mechanic operates the same way as well. There is no lobbies and no way to join your friends in a game, but occasionally you will see the ghost of another player of a similar level in your game, and you can drop a soul sign to be teleported into someone else game to help them, or use their soul signs to summon them to your quest to help you. You can't heal when summoned, so you gotta play even more carefully. You can also drop into other peoples game to kill them for rewards.

There are a number of changes though, too. Most notably is that the game isn't broken up into stages as the first was. Now you have a gigantic Non linear map that you are free to explore as you please, with no real wrong way to follow, as most locations link to others. Two things I will happily debase myself on is that the game actually has checkpoints where you can recover and respawn as you progress through the level. The other is the absence of healing herbs in exchange for Estus Flasks, which can be refilled at all checkpoints for free and boosted to recover more health per use. Instead of becoming just a spirit and losing half your health like in the previous game, in this version you have your Hollow Undead form and your Human form. Functionally, its main purpose is to affect your drop rate determined by how much humanity you have. You can gain humanity by finding items, killing random enemies, or finding them on corpses.You can use the humanity to switch from undead to human form, and kindle fire pits to allow you to carry more Estus (Kindling fire is helpful because it refills other players estus as well). You can also join covenants, which basically choose your alignment for who's game you will invade. There is no World Tendency to affect the characters you see or how you are viewed this time around, as there was in Demon's Souls.

Now, I've discussed that the game is difficult, but how much more so than the first game? Well, allow me to go through my first few hours of the game. The game starts and I work my way through the tutorial level and come across a massive boss, just like in Demon's Souls. I try to hit him and only do one damage, I figure this is a supposed to lose fight and I get crushed in one hit. Wrong. I spawn back and march into the boss again, this time trying to actually fight him. Easily crushed again. The third time I find a door off to the side that gets me better equipment and have a much better go. I kill the boss and move to the main game area. Its open ended so talking to some broody smart ass at the Firelink Shrine, he tells me have I to go either up or down to find the bells I need to ring. Following the most obvious path takes me to this extended graveyard. Sliding down the cliff side I found a pair of skeletons. I march up and start hacking away, doing very little damage. They swing back and in 2 or 3 shots, my ass is dead and back at the start. Marching my way back down there I try using my spells to keep them at bay. Don't do enough damage fast enough and they cut me down. After 3 or 4 attempts at this and learning that killing them gives me no experience, I say eff it and try another way. Follow some downward stairs and an elevator, I find a dark area with a number of hollows. Easily cutting through them I confidently march along a bridge to get surrounded by a pair of ghosts. My spells do zero damage and I try to melee them. Zero damage, they swing massive ghostly blades and kill me in one hit.  Next attempt I try to outrun them as they are slow. I get by and march into a thin corridor that opens to a square room, and 6 ghosts come from the floor and promptly cut me to fucking ribbons.

After a few hours I had to put the game down. I was ready to scream. I am very good at Demon's Souls and this game is humbling me on an insane level. But after cooling down a bit, I found an off beaten path with enemies more my level. Obviously the path I was supposed to take I trudged my way along the castle to find a checkpoint. Pushing further on the battlements I reach my first boss, the Taurus demon. After slinging a spell or two he lunged at me and turned me into a red magical splatter on the stone.

Now why would I continue to play a game like this? It's the sign of crazy person. The reason because this as frustrating as the game can get, you get this immense feeling of satisfaction. When you finally squash a boss. It hinges back this old school original Nintendo philosophy of memorizing every nuance of a stage each time getting just a little farther, just a little farther. At the time of writing this, I was at the tail end of the game. I am in a stage called the Tomb of the Giants. Its a stage with pitfalls and virtually no light, with massive skeletons hacking at you the whole time. Dying multiple times on my way down to find a lantern, but at the cost of my shield, making me able to see but that much more vulnerable. HOURS I spent trudging my way down, dying and losing all my souls every time. But at the end with the right combo of help, I managed to beat one of the most dangerous bosses Ive had yet.

At the Time of writing, this is the last boss I got through. I was unable to do it without summoning help.

The tagline for Dark Souls is "Prepare to Die". This couldn't be a more accurate description. This game will chew you up, spit you out, feed you to it's dog, and bury its shit in the garden. You will scream, you will cuss, you will spike controllers. But if you are determined, or just flat out stubborn this game will give you immense satisfaction if you can barge through it. But don't be surprised if your hair goes a little grey from the stress. Every time I play I think of starting over with a new build, just to try all the new equipment, see which plans are most effective. I give this game a very high recommendation, but buyer beware. Dark Souls is NOT for everyone.

Catherine (XB360): Its like an aneurysm, One and done.

People have always said to me: "CannonMan, I've always wondered what it would be like to be as pissed off as you are all the time. What does that feel like and how do I do it?"(Shut up, they do.) Well, now I can proudly announce to them that its a very simple process. Just play Catherine for about 3 to 5 hours and you will develop such a hair trigger for blood boiling murderous rage, that it would make a Tourettes syndrome support conference seem like the most zen center in the universe.

CATHERINE: (XB360/PS3)

Our story starts off with a bizarre introduction from a lady with red afro by the name of Midnight Venus, introducing the premise of the game as if you were watching some late night television show then starts the story with our protagonist, Vincent, dazing out at a coffee house with a woman named Katherine. We learn he is in a relationship with Katherine, who is a bit of a controlling but stable woman who tries to have "the talk" with him about showing more commitment to their relationship and taking it to the next level. This is something Vincent is not wild about.

See Ladies? We can use our cellphones when were bored of you too.

He makes his way home and after a brief credit sequence he goes to sleep and we enter the first stage of the game. Before going into the actual game play lets keep on the story a bit. Vincent has a nightmare where he is forced to climb a tower that is falling apart at the base, being guided by what appear to be sheep telling him if he falls he is going to die. Our protagonist narrowly escapes falling to his doom, and learns from one of the sheep that he, like the rest of them have been cursed and cursed by someone they know, and all they can do is to keep climbing to save themselves. He awakes to a wet bed and rushes out the door to get to work. He meets up with his friends at his hangout. They discuss Vincents situation and retort that all of them seem to have their own issues with relationships and about a curse that seems to be affecting the men in their area, but eventually leave Vincent to his own devices. As he's drifting off in thought about his future, he is joined by a blond, flirty vixen who goes by the name of Catherine. They seem to click about not wanting to get hitched and have a good night of drinking and ends with her forcing herself onto him.

Angsty doofus's like this tool don't get girls like her. Trust me, I'm an expert on the  topic.

As Vincent fades into the next night, he awakes to find himself in that same nightmare: Wearing his boxers and trying to climb a tower of blocks as they fall apart below him, racing up to the top before the other sheep that climb do. Waking up next to the new girl from last night, he now realizes that he is botching this situation and begins leading a double life while trying to figure out how to fix things.


Now then, Lets look at a simple definition Shall we?

fun /fən/
Noun: Enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure: "anyone who turns up can join in the fun".
Adjective: Amusing, entertaining, or enjoyable: "it was a fun evening"

Apparently, this term seemed to be missing on the list of things that were supposed to go into the game when development started on this project, because there certainly was a severe lack of it. The game is friggen frustrating. I will say that straight off. If you have the tendency to throw controllers, set up some blankets and pillows on the floor. If you have the tendency to scream and cuss, close your door. You will be doing a lot of both, trust me. The concept of the the game is fairly simple: A story driven puzzle platformer with some horror elements. The objective is to climb to the top as fast as you can. There are not a lot of complex controls to use aside from the directional pad or one button to use items you find as you climb or one to pull and push blocks. You can pull a block off the edge, or push a block or blocks to move a row. The tricky thing to learn about the game is the physic dynamics. So long as the edges of the block are touching, the block will remain hovering. Some blocks are harder to move than others, some you cant at all, some slide the whole length of a row. There are some that fall apart and some that are traps. Each stage has a new theme and will throw a new curve ball at you, forcing you to adjust your strategy on how to proceed.

As your proceed through each stage you will reach checkpoints, where you can talk to the other cursed to learn a little more about them and more importantly learn new techniques and tricks to assist you in climbing to the top. There are also a series of conversations you have with other characters and at a confessional about your own opinions of relationships that will determine the outcome of the game for you.

After every few stages, you reach a "Boss Stage" where some incarnation of Vincent's fears or trepidations will manifest themselves and chase you up the level. Increasing the challenge. Here is my problem with that, this game isn't exactly easy for the first time play. The controls are kind of awkward to learn and its hard enough to just keep pace with the stage so it doesn't fall below you. Throwing in a boss that chases you and leaves you with that much less time is just going to result in constant deaths.

And you are going to die in this game. A lot. To infuriating levels. If its pushing things in the wrong order and leaving yourself trapped, taking too long to think of what to move, not noticing a trap somewhere, or just the boss spam killing you, you are going to hear the violin game over screen many, many times. But if that wasn't frustrating enough, they give you a limited number of lives to do it with! By the first boss stage I was cussing at my screen and had to turn the game off. It was fucking infuriating.

What makes the game so frustrating is that the controls are very awkward in and of themselves. As I said its really just a matter of using the D-pad but the problem is sometimes when you climb down, you accidentally climb behind the level. The camera can only spin about 45 degrees either way, so if you are well behind a stack and you moved a block, you get to eat shit. Even better is when you are on the other side, they inverse the controls, so its very easy to get yourself stuck in a position where you cant get back before the bottom drops out. I would say at least 60% of the deaths I had in this game came form me not using the right control when I wanted.

I think what really got under my skin the most is that watching the cutscenes just made me as angry as the levels did. Through the entire play through during every single cutscene I'm thinking. "Jeez, Vincent is an asshole" or "God what a bitch!". Through most of the game I am getting increasingly angry at what a unlikeable set of douche bags this cast of characters is. But to make matters worse, I start comparing things that are happening to the game to my personal life and getting even more angry and depressed. I am getting mad at a FICTIONAL CHARACTER, for him having two other FICTIONAL CHARACTERS hanging all over him or wanting to be with him despite him being a complete prick in both situations. I'm getting jealous over people who don't exist! Good lord its my high school anime disillusions all over again.  Maybe if I didn't play video games I wouldn't have this fucking issue, (you know, in addition to good looks, charm, a notable presence, confidence, or a generally likable personality. But that's another post for another blog entirely.) And while the story starts off as something most people can relate to and follow along with, to quote Yahtzee: "The story goes 8 ways bananas by the end". There is a massive jump from reality to fiction (more so than what you are already accepting in the premise) that it so jarring it almost put me off from finishing the game.

The Last thing I want to bang on about is this character here: Erica Anderson.

Looks can be deceiving. 

In between stages you visit Vincent's bar "The Stray sheep" with his friends. The Waitress there is Erica, she is also a friend of the group of main characters. She is cute, flirtatious, and charming. In between cutscenes you can roam around the bar and talk to her to learn more about the curse. The exact quote I told my sister was "Both of these Catherine's piss me off. I wish the game had more to do about Erica, she is the hotness." Well, without spoiling too much the best good ending you can get unveils a little secret about Erica that makes me want to retract that statement or confuses me for having it. I can hear my sister laughing at me already.

Here's the thing though.. Through all the cussing and screaming and bitching I've done about this game, it was never so frustrating that I would put it down for long. I had to beat the next stage. I shot a video of me playing one of the later stages and no joke it ran for 45 minutes and I couldn't do it, I couldn't post it because the quality sucks and you cant really see the screen. I was mad, but would never quit. But then in the last few stages.. something happened.. Something about how I was playing clicked, and I realized essentially if you focus on just the LEFT and RIGHT keys and really nothing else, the game feels a lot let complex. Suddenly I found myself starting to really fly up the stages, and then learning a few of the snake tactics, there were very few levels that would slow me down. Going back to the earlier stages I found myself rocketing up the towers like a gunshot, suddenly I was trying for gold ranks and not just beating the level, I was having more fun with the game. I was trying to race through the stages to see what happened next. I guess the point I am begrudgingly getting to is that the game actually is pretty fun once you get the knack of it. The game also has something along the lines of eight different endings so it does have some replay value although after one or two times I was totally over it. There are also time trial modes and multiplayer as well.

So I suppose I would say Catherine is worth a try, but you would be well within your rights to smash the disc with a hammer for the amount of cheap deaths it gives you, or trade the game after you've got your fill.

Oh yeah, and Toby is the worst...

Fable 3 (XB360): Swing and a Miss.

Back in the earlier days of the original Xbox, I remember people going batshit at my store talking about how excited they were for a game called Fable. Ranting on and on about how it was going to be completely open ended, lifelike characters and a world that changes in real time, and the ability to see things change with every action. Since I was able to get a free copy from the Microsoft retail site. I gave it a shot, and all I played was a was a cheap Zelda knock off with a less compelling story, shitty foppish acting, and Sims heart bubbles that would appear when I would rip ass in front of them. With a combat system that moved slower than the story, the only fun I had in the game is the genocide of the villages that would call me chicken chaser. Contrary to what everyone thought, I thought the first Fable sucked a bag of soggy dicks.

But at the recommendation of Rooster Teeth's Drunk Tank podcast, I gave a crack at Fable 2. Now, I'm not sure what exactly they changed, because it didn't feel like they changed anything but for some reason I've yet to figure out, I was really enjoying the game. The characters were still annoying but I found the story a bit more compelling and interesting (hell, it starts with a child being flung out a castle window. I don't care what game it is, that's fucking awesome). The combat seemed to move more fluidly and I was definitely enjoying going from town to town wrecking havoc and leaving ashes in my wake. I thought Fable 2 was great.

So since my PS3 was fried, I felt it was good time to crack open the free copy of Fable 3 I got for renewing my Derpbox Live gold account. Yeah this game is old to the rest of you but its my first time playing it.

FABLE III: (XB360)

So the story opens up with you picking your gender and learning that you are the descendant of the 2nd game from about 20 years ago. You are living your posh lifestyle as a member of the Albion royal family before finding that your brother, King Logan, is a bit of dickhead. Trying to convince him to show mercy on some civilians (you actually get a voice for some of the cut scenes) he forces you to chose to kill them or kill your significant other (I'm assuming its a significant other if your are a male protagonist too). You then get your ass out of the castle with your butler and some old night to start gathering troops for a revolution, and thus the normal Fable rigmarole begins......

I couldn't let the douche bag male die fast enough.

And when I say normal rigmarole, that couldn't be a more accurate description of the game. With the exception of the overall character models (which seem to be ripped straight out of Sims 3), this game can be a complete copy paste of Fable 2. Almost nothing is changed as I remember it. One button for sword, one for gun, one for magic. Each one of them altering your appearance depending on how you use it. Same choices of weapons. Same results for buying real estate. Same groups of actions for dealing with the doofus civilians.  They may have made some minor tweaks, but its virtually the exact same game as the one before.

Granted, there are a few changes. The world of Albion is slowly advancing in technology, so while still strongly fantasy based in most aspects of the game, in some areas it goes to a more steam punk themed industrial area. The interactions with said doofuses has been changed a bit as well too. Normally when when you want to bone or marry one of the generic masses, you have to whistle like a asshole or flex to people to show off your heroic bravado and the masses clamor around you, cheering and wooing like the paper is here. In literally a matter of button presses you can have your way with pretty much anyone in the land. Now they force you to do a stupid fetch quest before you can be their friend. Exactly what this game needed, Less reason to talk to the random dipshits that inhabit it.

3 or 4 goofy whistles and this broad is ready to get the 5 STDs I picked up in the last town.

For the record, there must be something bad in the water or Albion is inhabited by the dumbest class of people in fictitious existence. It takes very little to impress them it seems. I tested some of these actions at work and the went as followed:

~~Current Karma: Neutral~~
-Whistling at work while swinging my arms was met with blank stares and people walking away.
-Belching loudly earned me a disgusted look form most of the women and a "nice" from the other male in the room
-Trying to Fart on people just resulted in them leaving the room repulsed.
-Trying to Dance with a random female got me a sit down interview with my Human Resources Department.
~~Ending Karma: Bad?~~

Last I checked in the world of Fable that should have resulted in me getting cheered and praised for at least 3 of these.

Anyways, back to the topic. As I went through my quests, you meet characters who will join your revolution. none of which are interesting or substantial with the exception of maybe Paige. Its the same story for all of them: "We support your cause but don't trust you, so you'll have to do this for us." Which typically involves exploring a cave, killing the Hollows or Hobbes inside them, and reporting back.  But as I ripped through the game, I found myself just trudging along, not getting invested in the characters or feeling any build up to the coming revolution. Even storming the castle didn't feel any more exciting than a standard dungeon and ends with a rather anti climatic fizzle.

Here's what kinda spoiled the game for me, I knew going in that after the revolution you take control of the kingdom and its your job to raise enough money to protect the city from an impending evil. You can continue the tyranny to raise the proper money, your can act justly with your promises to the people, but go broke in the process,  or in some cases just leave things as they are, and the amount of money you have by the end of  ta year determines how many casualties you can expect. I knew money would be important so before the war started I made sure to maximise the payout of the lute mini game and in about an hour or 2, earned enough money to buy the major properties of the Bowerstone Marketplace and raised the price of all the stocks to max. This is effective because your properties pay you a set amount every 5 real time minutes. Having something to do that day I just left the system running while I ran out for like 3 hours. When I got back I had amassed enough Gold that I was able to buy out all the property in Albion. Drop all the shitty houses to lowest rent, Drop the stores to normal, and Raise one specific district of High price housing to maximum and by the time you reach the mid point in the game, You'll be sitting on 10's of millions easy. Allowing you to continue being a good guy and save all your citizens in the process, with tons of money left to spare.

The king is such a Cock.

So if I enjoyed Fable 2 and this felt like a copy paste of that, then naturally I would enjoy this one, right? Wrong. I don't know what it was about this game, but the story did virtually nothing for me. I didn't like or become sympathetic to any of the characters and I Never felt driven to complete the game. I played it because it was the only game I had on the chopping block.

The combat in this game was incredibly slow. The Fable franchise never had lighting quick combat, but 2 at least felt smooth as I played it. In this one if there is more than 3 enemies on the screen the frame rate slows down in a free fall to the point where it feels like I'm playing in super slow mo. Swinging melee took forever and I would end up getting gang raped by whatever monsters I fought. Since my character was female and I didn't want her to be an ogre like I had in 2, I switched to Ranged and Magic and then the game became insultingly easy. Most enemies drop in one or two shots so all you have to do is rapid fire your pistol till you get surrounded then hit a level 2 or 3 area of effect spell to stun lock things in place and clean up with the gun. Combat is supposed to be the meat of the game, and it did nothing to engage me. You have to look at games like Bayonetta, Devil May Cry, or God of War, these games are a blast to play because the combat is fast, fluid, and complex enough to string interesting combos. If they found a way to mix your three styles of attacks for different combos it might be a whole nother story. Instead they went with the one button Darksiders/Zelda approach. It gets boring very quickly.

This isn't my video but the guy kinda looks like me.. Except not fat.

If that wasn't bad enough, the frame rate tends to chug in non-combat situations as well. The lute mini game I mentioned earlier is basically a color matching puzzle over a span of a few seconds. You hit the buttons in the right order, the modifier goes up. That's fine. Its not a complex game, but whats frustrating is the icon to follow starts moving, but then when the assholes on the screen start moving and cheering, any smoothness on that gauge is gone and the thing jumps around, causing you to miss your color. Its fucking annoying.

Lastly and probably the worst note, is the game is simple. On my first play through I managed to breeze through the entire game and land the achievement for not being knocked down once. It was simple to do, in the rare situations where you are weak you'll probably have like 3 dozen potions to recover so you are never in any real threat of danger.

I don't understand why this franchise is so successful. Everything this game has other games have done better. Maybe its just because Microsoft fanboys and fangirls don't have enough first party content they feel they have to vehemently defend anything they can play that Sony owners can't. I'm not even a huge fan of Legend of Zelda but I can openly admit that Fable tries too hard to be better that it ends up falling short. The more useless goofy shit you add for people to do the worse the main game gets. You know what, I take that back because Yakuza 4 was able to load in enough shit that in 130 hours of game play I still have stuff to do and the story was still great. What is Fable's excuse? None, because if a game like Bioware's Jade Empire can come out and do everything Fable did and better, and Lionhead would not change or use aspects from it? Then they are just being stupid.

I'm certainly glad I got this game for free, because if I fucking paid for it I would have been even more disappointed. Fable 3 doesn't suck. But its certainly not good.