Bird Week (NES): I was guilted into posting this.

So some of you may remember the first review to start Rage Quitter 2012 was Bastion (even though google has it listed as dec 31st). But as you'd also remember, I didn't write the review. Big Sister wrote that one. Well She sent me a review to put up for the site. After reading this, I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. I can't believe I am considering posting this. But since I probably won't have anything new to put up till after xmas I figure why the hell not? So kick back back and enjoy Big Sister's work in the first ever Rage Quitter Retro Review.

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The last few years, we’ve been bombarded with a particular casual game themed around birds. I won’t name it here, because I know you all know what I’m talking about. In the wake of 21st century graphics and hyper realistic in-game physics, it’s easy for us to become so engrossed in the now that many of us forget the past, and an even greater many have no awareness of it at all. It is for that reason that I’m giving you a dose of gaming history. For us to appreciate what we have now, we must appreciate what paved it’s way. Birds taking center stage in top-of-the-line gaming has come before, my friends, in a little game called Bird Week.

BIRD WEEK:(NES)

This 1986 Nintendo title is the true forerunner and matriarch of all bird based gaming. And don’t be fooled by the title. The game Bird Week features not one mere week, but a full year of riveting bird action. It is a desperate tale of danger, devotion, and the harsh reality that comprises the life of backyard birds. Our story centers around a delicate mother bluebird struggling to feed and protect her babies amid the threat of violent predators. Her deep, emotional struggle as she must leave alone her weak and vulnerable young ones to search out food, even at great risk to her own self. 

The game begins in the sweet spring, when life is simple. Butterflies are plenty, and the only real threat is a...uh..penguin? Flying around aimlessly. He’s not as menacing as you might think. He really just flaps back and forth, minding his own business, but, if you run into him, you die. Don’t worry, if the 5 star play control isn’t enough to help you dodge the flapping fiend, you are not without the bird’s natural defense: mushrooms.

You can easily pick up a mushroom from the ground, fly over the predator, and drop it on his head, effectively taking him out of the picture until you’ve had a chance to feed your babies all the sweet, succulent butterflies they crave. When the babies have had enough they fly away, and the level is over. Congratulations, mama bird. You’ve made it through your fist Bird Week.

Maybe it's supposed to be a hawk? I have no clue.

The year crawls on. Sort of. The next level is Fall, even though it should be Summer, then even more Fall, with extra trees, then Winter, and then Summer. But who has time to nitpick over the awkward passage of time when you’ve got babies to feed. Each level bring new menaces and every one of them is hell bent on stopping you from doing what you were born to do. Feed those motherfucking birdlets.

Level two “Fall”, bring a jumping ground squirrel. Think it’s not much of a threat? Guess again. If the game is to scale, that squirrel can jump 9 feet straight up into the air. Just enough to, say, KILL A MOTHER BIRD WHO TRYING TO NAB BUTTERFLIES. The hawk is still present as well, but the squirrel makes a deliberate attempt to harm you, just like any squirrel would. You have your trusty mushroom, if you can manage to get it without the ground dwelling villain knocking you out of the sky in the attempt.

Upcoming seasons bring other antagonists too. Flying squirrels, woodpeckers, something that looks like a panda coming out of a hole in the ground, bats, bees, owls. How can one survive? IT’S UP TO YOU. There is even a bonus level, for the highly adept who can make it that far, allowing you a seaside vacation where you can spend a carefree week nibbling dragonflies. Hope you got a sitter. Those babies aren’t going to feed themselves.

Don't Worry. Butterflies are plentiful year round.

The real drive when you play bird week is the sense of desperation and urgency that you feel. You have to survive. You HAVE to get that food. Because if you die, those babies die. That’s it. Game over. You’re cold in the ground and your precious little ones will be ripped apart by the violent predators that lurk ever near. What decent human being could let that happen? I challenge you to find another game that bring such a sense of intense emotional responsibility to the player. You won’t find it. It exists only in Bird Week.